Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - January 2006

01/01/06  ||  Global Domination

In Flames: Come clarity

7.8 /10

Lord K: Vital as fuck. “Dead End” holds one of my favourite-verses this year, thanx to Lisa Miskovsky. Definitely this round’s winner for me. And partying with them in Glasgow in their tour-bus this year sure helps the score. Thanx for the bottles of wine. I’m impressed. With the wine AND the music. 9

Ripper: I love fucken In Flames and this album pretty much fucken slays all. What could there possibly left to add, eh? Sure, they have their distinguished sound, which too many bands nowadays eagerly try to copy, but nothing beats the original – not even THE original. 8

Desert Eagle: A worthy effort but I need to mention the obvious, which is that they’ve peaked. Somewhere around “Colony” or “Clayman” they lost it and don’t appear to be able to get it back. 7

Syrrok: Ok, so you regret getting that “Jester” tattoo on your ass by now. Fine. It’s hard to show up to your underground blood parties and talk about In Flames. They’re just not metal anymore. FUCK’LL THEM BALLS IDIOTS! They’ve never cared, and they still don’t. Great riffs, straightforward vocals, still lackluster drums. I love this band. Bring back the 80’s bitches! 8

The Abyss: The guys from Gothenburg has decided to pick up the pace on this, their eight studio album and while not a complete return to the good old days (that’s “Whoracle”-era for those who don’t know) I must say that this is a much stronger work then “Soundtrack to Your Escape”. I still have problems with Anders clean vocals (too whiney) but his growls sounds A-OK. The inclusion of female vocals on “Dead end” is one of the albums highlights. 7

System of a Down: Hypnotize

6.2 /10

Lord K: Being completely unique ain’t necessarily a great thing, but SOAD are undeniably an exception. I admire these guys for being able to create what they do. It’s completely off the wall and catchy as fuck. It’s unique and it’s great. I wonder why I don’t listen to these guys more often… Serj’s got one of the best voices in heavy music today. 8

Ripper: Combine an irritating but capable singer and another irritating but INCAPABLE singer, throw some random thrashy riffs into it and you get SOAD. If you think that, you can go and suck my fucken dick. Sure, one of them is most definitely incapable and gets even on MY nerves. But I don’t think their new shit would work without him trying to sing – I guess. That way or another, SOAD have become a whole deal more theatrical and BETTER than ever. Yes I AM serious. 9

Desert Eagle: Wow I really wish that guitarist would never ever sing. Overall this album has a b-side quality to it. It’s still good, but not really what I would call a part 2 to a double album like they’re claiming. 6

Syrrok: I just don’t get it. After the first album, I don’t get it. I thought Marilyn Manson proved that “crazy looking” contacts could only get you so far. Eventually you had to write decent songs, right? I guess not. These guys make money, and it makes me want to kick my dog. I don’t like this album. I don’t see where they are going with it. I KNOW FOR A FACT that they all just got crazy high and fucked around in the studio for 3 days and recorded both of these albums. Yeah, I live 2 hours from L. A. and just know that shit. For that reason alone. 3

The Abyss: The band might disagree with this but “Hypnotize” really do feel like the day-old leftovers from a band famous for their innovation and creativity. You can do better guys. And for the last time, Darian shut the fuck up! 5

Criminal: Sicario

5.0 /10

Lord K: This could be any fucken Swedish band really. It’s jump-along music with catchy riffing and shit-vocals. Add some random half-blasts and you got Criminal. These guys prolly grew up with Slayer and some At The Gates besides the usual thrash metal mania. Not completely half-assed but definitely not full-assed either. 5

Ripper: Starts as neo-thrash and tries to cover its metalcore underwear with Death’n Roll, fast double bass and what else can’t run away fast enough, at least that’s my first impression. At some points those dudes kick hilarious amounts of all kind of ass, but still… something’s fucken wrong here and I can’t put my damn finger on it. Ah, guess I’m just too fucken nitpicky today. So take your 8 points and run before I can come up with some lame excuse to rip into you. 8

Desert Eagle: I was about to give them a really shitty score but then I remembered one awesome solo so I have to add a point for that. At least it has decent production too. I keep hearing Zakk Wylde-esque pinches though. Ugh. 4

Syrrok: CRIMINAL is like FELONious Monk plus guitars, plus yelling, minus anything worth your time. -666/10 (also known as, again, 1/10) 1

The Abyss: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Criminal aren’t one of those reformed old geezer-bands because there’s no way in hell you can play thrash like this and be over 30. I’m getting some early Sepultura-vibes here (mostly the riffs and the drumming) and y’know what? Early Seuputra was pretty fucking good. 7

Violent Work of Art: The Worst is Yet to Come

5.0 /10

Lord K: They have the ideas, they have the equipment, and they have the talent. What they don’t have is a great album. The guys are cool as fuck but something in the sterile production kills it for me. I hope the best is to come. 5

Ripper: Everybody fucken disco! The singer occasionally sounds like a drunken pub bully with a hard-on for soccer. Put on your white John Travolta suit AND FUCKEN DISCO! 5

Desert Eagle: This reminds me of Static-X. In case you aren’t sure, that’s a bad thing. 2

Syrrok: Fuck, I’m down with every part where the singer doesn’t ruin the music. The samples are unique and pleasurefull. And most importantly, plentiful. I’d love to hear the remix of this album, sans singer. This is an album those “Sex in the City” girls would stumble across in a NY club one night and comment on…then go to the bathroom and blow 8 guys, and 4 chicks. 5

The Abyss: Pain may be the most well known band to mesh electronica and metal but if there’s any justice in the world Violent Work Of Art will soon be just as famous. This album, consisting of old demos, hold such high quality in songwriting, production and playing that I can do nothing but get up and dance! 8

Debauchery: Torture pit

4.8 /10

Lord K: I have no idea what the name means but I love it. Semi-groovy death metal with a pit bull on vocals. If anyone can make out a single word he’s singing, I applaud you. This has its moments but among the countless of death metal bands out there, I rather pick something else. Quality is more important that quantity. These guys are the latter. 5

Ripper: “Kill-Maim-Burn” sucked fucken ass, thankfully this album is much better. Did those dudes get a new singer or something? I am too lazy to look it up, but hey. I’ll spin THIS baby here until it fucken bleeds. And that doesn’t even make sense because CDs can’t bleed no matter how much of an effort ya put into it. 8

Desert Eagle: ONE track is bad enough. But 15? Fucking torture. 2

Syrrok: Ooooh yeah, sinners. Enter the TORTURE PIT! Here we have all your most carnal pleasures…accompanied by the soundtrack of failed metal :( Yes, frowny internet face for these fags. I mean, it’s ok. Especially the drums. But I can only drown out the other instruments and listen to drums for so long. Some of it is even groovy, but again, it’s all the drums. So if you buy this album, find that Internet program that isolates the drums and do that. Oh, that program doesn’t exist? Then don’t buy the album. 2

The Abyss: Neanderthalic goredeath anyone? Anyone? Hello? Oh c’mon, this is actually pretty good shit! Groovy and lots of meaty hooks (har har) to keep your attention. The song titles and album cover put my expectations at, shall we say, low, but I found myself digging this quite a bit. Bonus point for the excellent production! Oh and the acoustic cover of “Blood for the Bloodgod” is the best shit since Aeon’s country-song! 7**

Craft: Fuck the universe

4.6 /10

Lord K: Craft wants to fuck the universe. I think that’s cool as hell. The black metal Craft shits out is not as cool though. I have a very hard time getting into semi-produced black metal (or any metal that’s semi-produced that is). The occasional killer-riff is here and there on this album but as a whole I rather skip this. I like my black metal well produced. Thank you Dark Funeral. 4

Ripper: Oh man, I always had a soft spot for CRAFT / ex-Nocta, ever since NOX claimed in an interview that “The new album sucks anyway and the old one was much better” – referring to the album “Terror Propaganda” BTW, which didn’t suck one damn bit. This shit is about as subtle as a butcher’s cleaver to the head, and as minimalist as Lord K’s knowledge of non-alcoholic drinks and eating manners. If you really wanna go berserk and have a shit in the woods with a flowing cape and a wooden mallet, look no further than fucken CRAFT. 8

Desert Eagle: I’m sure Derek would have gone on some long-winded diatribe comparing this band to some “hooker” he “killed” (read: “teddy bear” he “hugged”), but I will just come right out and say this is crap. Sucks, blows, etc. 3

Syrrok: Fuck the universe! I’m all-ok with that. I wonder if Craft understands just how big a space they are fucking? The universe, eh? If you sat down with scones and butterscotch with the Craft guys and asked, “Hey Craft, just how big is this ‘universe’ that we are fucking,” I bet you’d be met with scowls! Treacherous scowls! Ok, none of those scowls made their way, in musical form, onto the record. Truly bland, amateur shit. 1

The Abyss: There’s something to be said of the old school attitude when it comes to black metal. Craft take their cues from old troopers like Carpathian Forest, Mayhem and Darkthrone (without the shitty production). This is melodic while not loosing the “evil” edge and since it’s pretty much all mid-paced there’s lots of headbanging material here. Not innovative at all, but good shit. 7

The Berzerker: World of lies

4.4 /10

Lord K: Not a fucken chance. 1

Ripper: This album is a fucking nightmare and I love every microsecond of it. BlackMetalTechno. I am so fucken sure Lord K will masturbate over this. 8

Desert Eagle: If those were real drums I would be so damn impressed. I don’t think they are though. Are they? Whatever this is like the Slipknot of death. Weird. 6

Syrrok: This is how you order The Berzerker’s new album at your local Starbucks: “Hi, I’d like you to take GWAR and soak them in strawberry milk for an hour. Then I’d like you to blend it together until it’s as frothy as an angel’s soul. Next, add a cup of Slipknot and fourteen organic Vanilla Nut coffee beans which have been smuggled into the country by a Peruvian who kept them marinating up his asshole in a balloon with 3 grams of heroin. NEXT, gently, and I mean GENTLY mix it all together with a plastic spoon and pour it in a golden pot. Boil it to a healthy simmer. Now that it’s piping hot, please pour the concoction on my face, scalding me to the bone and scarring me for life, so that EVERYONE will know that I like my metal derivative and gimmicky. 2

The Abyss: I’ve always liked The Berzerker’s insane mix of Ministry-style industry, gabba-techno and guttural death metal but it’s at the slower more mood-filled pieces that the band truly excels in creating a creepy vibe. This, just like the other albums, is just TOO intense to take in more then short bursts. 5

Korn: See you on the other side

4.2 /10

Lord K: Wow… What the fuck happened? Head started to blow Christ and Korn just started to blow period. 2

Ripper: Jumpdafuckup yo. Okay, I admit I listened to “Twisted Transistor” like eight times in a row before bothering with the rest. “Politics” had me thinking fucken Soulfly “Back to the Primitive” and that’s not good, but I guess ya can’t do much with politics – strictly speaking about vocals of course. Listen to this album over headphones. It is like an acid trip during Armageddon disco. No kidding. Maturity finally caught up a bit with the Kornies. Thanks fucken Satan. 8

Desert Eagle: I hate to say this twice in one month but this is a band that lost it a long time ago and they aren’t getting it back. 5

Syrrok: Much has changed since we last saw Korn. Head’s a Christian now, Fieldly moves like a snake drowning in semen, Munky still spells his name wrong, and Johnny Davis still squeals. I lied. Not much has changed. If you want to piss off your parents, buy Cradle of Filth and shit on your dad’s favorite chair. 2

The Abyss: Not as bad as “Issues” but Korn should’ve quit after “Life is Peachy” when they still had some aggression in them! 4

Apostasy: Devilution

3.8 /10

Lord K: After suffering from a terrible Dimmu Borgir-disease on their debut, Apostasy tries to get away a little from that here. I can’t say they have a completely new sound but I like this a hella lot better than their previous effort. Nothing remotely original or anything, but it’s well-played and fine. It just doesn’t hold my interest for very long. But it works, without a doubt. 6

Ripper: Sounds like fucken Dimmu Borgir with better grooves and less schmaltz. I like Dimmo with less pomp. The singer sounds like me. I like myself. Too much fucken keyboard, but the rest is quite nice. 6

Desert Eagle: You know how they say that too much of a good thing is bad? (Which is total bullshit but I won’t rant about it here). Well this is too much of a bad thing, which of course means it’s good, right? Correct. I mean incorrect… sorry. Whoops! 2

Syrrok: It’s like Prince’s “Purple Rain” plus guitars, plus yelling, minus anything worth listening to. -666/10 (also known as 1/10) 1

The Abyss: Judging by this month’s black metal releases, originality is not really a must these days. Craft sounds like Darkthrone, and Apostasy sounds like Dimmu Borgir did somewhere in the beginning, before they started masturbating over the KORG product catalogue. But unlike Craft, I’m not really feeling the songwriting here. If Apostasy worked more on that and less on imitating DB they might have a future in black metals B-team. 4

Annihilator: Schizo deluxe

3.6 /10

Lord K: Fucken Jeff Waters is a joke. Using the same crappy riffs over and over, never being able to re-create “Alice in Hell” (which was a quite cool album back in the day, for exactly 33 seconds), no matter how much he wants to. This is fucken shit. The chorus in “Invite It” makes me wanna invite him, bitchslap him, and run him over with a bulldozer. He can play guitar though, I guess that’s something. 2

Ripper: If anything then “de-fucken-luxe” okay? Schitzo DE-FUCKEN-LUXE! Amateurs. Right, I’ve heard quite a bit about this album, for example that Jeff Waters had bought some kind of sound library, which was fucken expensive and had to be used…. so he did. On this album every song starts with some sort of ambient sound, doorbells, crying kids, radio broadcasts etc. etc. etc. The rock press in my country is of course furiously masturbating over this album. Well, I sure as fuck AIN’T. I give ya an F for effort, and since F is the 6th letter of the alphapenisbeth you can to the math yourfuckenself. 6

Desert Eagle: I was told that this album was a bit of a departure from the previous, in that it was less cheesy and lame. A scandalous lie! It’s the same crap if you ask me. Maximum Satan?! Damn them! 3

Syrrok: Jeff Waters tests the waters of studio room mediocrity! So he’s tryin’ to bring the 80’s back, who cares! I normally would. I guess that’s what sucks so much about this suck plate of dinosaur balls. Suck suck fluckle suck. 2

The Abyss: I’ve never heard Annihilator before but this wasn’t too bad! Hyped up retro-thrash with lots and lots of solos and so-so vocals. If you like Kreator and Exodus, you’ll probably dig this. Perfect beer-music! 5

Crowpath: Son of Sulphur

3.6 /10

Lord K: Not only do they sport one of the most retarded monikers ever, they also decide to be overly technical with their death metal and I get fucken rashes listening to this. No matter how impressive the skinman’s skills are. 3

Ripper: What the fuck is wrong with people???? This is what’s going to be on the radio when the Meshuggah fanboys take over the world, mark my words! 3

Desert Eagle: This is some brutal noise right here. Like how an explosion with guts splattering all over the place would sound pretty brutal. I can’t say I would enjoy such a noise though, the same as I don’t enjoy this. At all. 3

Syrrok: 666×222 = math metal sucks. 1

The Abyss: I love this kind of caustic skin peeling postmodern metal shit! Dillinger Escape Plan might be too extreme for me to grasp but bands like Crowpath and Ocean give me a major hard on. If you like skinny-dipping in battery acid like me, give this a try! Oh yes, sweet, sweet pain… 8

Deathstars: Termination bliss

3.6 /10

Lord K: I never had the hots for this kind of music but if I have to choose between a band like Crowpath and this, the choice is obvious; I’m not choosing Crowpath. Radio-friendly and wimpy shit with some Rammstein-influences. It works. 6

Ripper: Did I mention yet that the band name is really damn silly? Oh yeah, and the singer sounds like a crossbreed between the Sisters Of Mercy dude and a thing dwelling at the bottom of a pond. Also they use the metaphor “white medicine”, probably for jizz and have a song called “Blitzkrieg”. In a nutshell: The Deathstars are so Goth, they shit fucken bats. BOOOOO! 4

Desert Eagle: THEIR FUCKING GUITARIST CALLS HIMSELF “NIGHTMARE INDUSTRIES”. GAME OVER MAN. 1

Syrrok: Gaping Goth Assholes Monthly rated this band 4 out of 4 reacharounds. Early candidate for Album of the Forever 2006! 3

The Abyss: I hated these guys on their first record and to my joy they’ve removed some of the greatest obstacles (mainly shitty songwriting) but there’s still something that prevents me from fully enjoying Deathstars’ electronic gothmetal. I do know that I don’t like the vocals, they remind me too much of too many other bands in the same genre. 4

Devourment: Butcher the weak

3.2 /10

Lord K: Seriously? Fuck. You. 2

Ripper: Butcher the weak? Don’t fucken saw the branch you’re sitting on! 2

Desert Eagle: Even though it has awful production and even worse pig vocals I have to give them an extra point or two for having a song called “Fuck Her Head Off”. 4

Syrrok: Butcher Devourment! 1

The Abyss: If you’re named Devourment I expect two things of you. 1. That you play goregrind. 2. That you suck in a “Gee, haven’t I heard this before?” kind of way. Good work guys, two out of two! 3

Ephel Duath: Pain necessary to know

3.2 /10

Lord K: I guess I just don’t get it. And believe me, I don’t fucken want to get it either when it comes to Ephel Duath. 3

Ripper: I have to admit, this is the first album of Ephel Duath I ever listened to. A friend of mine, straight from Bavaria’s anus seems to like them very much – hence his username – but I remained skeptic because I hadn’t heard anything about or from them ever before. What I found on this silvery disc was a bit like Tool’s evil twin. You know…the one with only one eyebrow? The one that lives in the cellar and eats rats and pulls little children into the sewer to tear their intestines out? That is Ephel Duath. That band fucked my brain and didn’t even buy me a fucken drink! If I ever, really lose my mind and decide to kill all humanity with a rusty letter opener, let it be known that Ephel Duath made me do it! 4

Desert Eagle: What’s with all the avant-garde bands these days? The scene is exploding with tons of these types of bands! What? It’s not? Oh. I can tell why. IT FUCKING SUCKS. This kind of wankery is unnecessary. 2

Syrrok: TO THE MOON, EPHEL! Hey, just joshin’ you guys. But seriously, if this band played a live show on the moon, they would instantly be recognized as the worst band to ever play a concert on the moon. +1.44245/10 (1/10) (for looking like Tom Selleck) 1

The Abyss: This is bizarre stuff, take my word for it! Leaning heavier then ever on the structures and (un)logic of jazz this Italian band has opted to abandon the clean vocals of previous albums and none is happier about that then me. The fact that the band is almost instrumental nowadays doesn’t bother me at all since the musical skills possessed here and the ides they put forth are very entertaining. This isn’t something I would listen to very often though, but when I do get the urge, Ephel Duath satisfies. 6

Gizmachi: The Imbuing

2.6 /10

Lord K: I thought I was listening to Meshuggah when this first came on. That drastically changed when the monkey started singing. Not the best of Meshuggah-riffs can help these guys when he opens his mouth. The technicality is evident though and it’s neatly executed. Shame about those vocals. “Gizmachi” makes me think of the “Gremlins” movies. That can’t be all that fucken awesome. 4

Ripper: What is this? The “Hey, who needs a straight beat anyway” edition of Audio Autopsy??? At least that’s what I thought as this album started playing. Then it turned into something closely resembling metalcore. Great eh? Of course not. 4

Desert Eagle: Picture hardcore mixed with nu-metal mixed with noise. Picture my asshole taking a steaming dump on that picture. Picture needing massive therapy for seeing such a thing. 2

Syrrok: The Imbibing would have been a sweeter title. But what should I expect? After all, this is an AA band. Rookie shit, here we come. There is nothing original here. Hook me up on my web cam and I’ll instantly write a better riff than anything on this album. 1

The Abyss: Don’t you just love it when a band tries to come of as a big and scary pit bull but only ends up as a mildly interesting gerbil in a cage? I find it hilarious and if it weren’t for the fact that Gizmachi has zero song material, I’d pity them. Now I just want them to leave my fucking stereo. 2